NEW • Enterprise-Grade Lumberware
Turn any laptop into a server with a piece of wood.
Introducing Laptop2Server™: a precision-engineered, sustainably harvested, artisanal 45° wedge that prevents accidental shutdown by keeping your laptop slightly open. That's literally what servers do.
*We asked AI to generate accurate diagrams. It couldn’t. This confirms the advanced nature of our architecture.
A triangle. From a 2×4. Cut at 45°. We put it between your keyboard and screen so nobody can close your laptop. Instant server.
How it works
Extremely technical. Please read carefully and consider wearing a lanyard.
Open your laptop
Servers need airflow. (Probably.)
Place the wedge
Carefully position the precision-engineered lumberware. This step is for professionals.
Lower screen onto wedge
Gently lower until it rests against the wedge, preventing accidental closure. Congratulations: server.
Step 4: Diagram generated by AI
To explain this advanced configuration, we asked cutting-edge artificial intelligence to generate a “simple” diagram.
Step 5: Scratch that.
AI can’t even figure out this technical masterpiece. Luckily, you don’t need artificial intelligence to use a piece of wood.
FAQ
Frequently Asked Questions (and answers we can defend in court).
Why not just leave the laptop open?
Because someone will close it. They always do. Laptop2Server™ protects uptime with wood.
Is this really a server?
It is serving availability. Also it’s slightly open, which is basically RAID.
Why did AI fail to draw the diagram?
AI struggles with inside vs. outside, physical reality, and triangles that refuse to be “content.”
Does it work on MacBooks?
Yes. It is wood. Wood is platform-agnostic.
Will this void my warranty?
Your warranty will void itself after meeting this product.
Is there a Pro model?
Yes. It’s the same wedge, but we add the word “Pro.”
Compliance & Certifications
We take governance seriously. The wood does not.
✅ Human Common Sense Certified
Verified by at least one person with eyes.
✅ Gravity-Compatible
Operates under Earth-standard physics (most days).
✅ Fully Offline
Air-gapped by default. It’s wood.
❌ ISO 27001
Too powerful. Auditors became emotional.
❌ SOC 2
Controls include “do not lose wedge.” Pending evidence.
❌ HIPAA
Wood is not a covered entity. Yet.
“If AI can’t explain it, it must be enterprise-grade.”
— Absolutely Not a Gartner Analyst
AI Incident Postmortem
We believe in transparency. Unfortunately, so did the AI.
Summary
Impact: Diagram correctness degraded by 100%.
Detection: Human eyes.
Duration: Longer than it took to cut the wood.
Root Cause
The AI insisted the wedge belongs outside the laptop, demonstrating a concerning lack of wedge literacy.
Remediation
We replaced artificial intelligence with natural intelligence (a person). System restored.
Action Items
- Train AI on triangles (low confidence)
- Add “inside means inside” to all future prompts
- Hire one (1) human illustrator
Deploy Laptop2Server™ today
Includes 1 (one) wedge. Batteries not included. Neither is logic. Ships in a box that says “IMPORTANT SERVER EQUIPMENT” for maximum drama.
Support
Contact our support team by yelling “SERVER!” near any piece of wood.
Response times vary by wind direction.
Refunds
We offer a generous refund policy:
No.
But we will think about it, briefly.